looking beyond the urge to huslte

I feel like writing about my past two weeks where I’ve had a hard time keeping my “hustle mode” in check and dealing with the stuckness and hopelessness as a result of not pushing myself to be perfect.

Actually, I am feeling some shame in writing this right now. There’s a nagging voice in my head saying: “no one cares” and “this will not make you happy”. Now, I am smiling and feel relieved that I was vulnerable and didn’t hide this perfectionist voice from you. There’s darkness behind that pressure. It runs deep and reminds me of a feeling I have had many times in my life: Pain, stuckness and depression. A result of many traumatic experiences where I was not treated like a lovable human being and I didn’t know how to react so that I would find a solution with the experience (for the most part a person or many people) that would leave me off in a happier, safer space.

The “this will not make you happy”-argument is something that runs through my mind fairly often. It’s what makes many decisions if I were not able to see the counterpart to this hopelessness or depression that is trying to keep me safe. I know that is the sole purpose of my ego - to keep me safe and avoid situations that would trigger that hopelessness, hurt and trappedness. This is where I feel my perfectionism and my “hustle” work ethic taking over. My ego’s counterbalance to those dark emotions.

Many years of my life were spent in those extremes: Hopelessness on one hand and perfectionism to dig myself out of it on the other hand. The context is always different. Once, my goal was becoming a lawyer and another time, it was being skinnier, having more friends, more money or being respected by others for my achievements (aka fame). As soon as I arrived at any one of those achievements in my life, I was constantly forcefully trying to maintain that control over my life that I had fought so fiercely for. Or, I moved onto the next goal without even feeling happy for achieving what I had struggled so hard for.

I was never enough and my outside world was never good enough to feel safe or happy.

I can still feel that pain in my chest as I am writing this blog post. It’s this painful, hurt and burned-out feeling, the exhaustion that has sticked with me. Which I am healing in this phase of my blooming.

Actually, just this week my beliefs led me to an internship that was very poorly paid. In the past, I would have ignored the feeling of exhaustion and overwhelm by the tasks that I was not feeling up to. I would have ignored that intuitive voice and would have placed some mislead notion of perfectionism over my personal needs. And then, I would have quit after three months, when the pain of being inauthentic about my feelings was no longer bearable. I am so freaking happy that I was upfront with myself and decided not to go along with it. Even though I knew that many people would not understand why I had turned down this opportunity to become part of that organization.

I feel proud about that decision. It no longer feels right to let my fear, hopelessness and perfectionism rule my life. I feel such strong love for choosing a path that lets me enjoy where I am right now. That doesn’t postpone my happiness and that feeling of safety into the far future. While it takes a lot of awareness to navigate through these mechanisms that rule my ego, it is actually quite simple to let go of these thoughts when I get ahold of them. The beliefs that once gave me a sense of safety and importance.

I take in a deep breath, feel the air fill my lungs and breath out, allowing myself to feel like I am enough and safe. I respect my body’s boundaries and limitations, no matter where they came from. With self-compassion, I humble myself and see my humanness for what it is. Most importantly, I accept these hurt feelings inside my chest when they get triggered. That’s what I choose to practice throughout my day.

I allow myself to dream of a life at the beach, meditating to the sound of the ocean, supporting others on their journey through awakening, living in a beautiful house and feeling at peace. Simultaneously, the life I am living right now - loving my wounds and being of service - is so very special and worthwhile my presence.

May you become aware and find peace with the dance of hopelessness and perfectionism in your body.

Much love,